HAI JESSICA!!!!!!
Last night, I did my birthday party at Chili's with all my friends! It was interesting. All my parties are pretty awkward because I have a couple different groups that I hang out with and so they then must intermingle at one table but with a table of 20, it was okay.
One end was my 'Kyle Mutual Friend Side' and the other end was my band kids and then my 'normal' friends were dispersed through out.
Quite interesting!
I had fun despite being worried. I think I was a little weird though, Stempi said I wasn't 'normal Anne'. I asked him what 'normal Anne' was and he didn't have an answer so I think I was alright.
I hate Texas Cheese Fries, Fried Shrimp, and then bought 10 sundaes, so two people share. I thought that was happy!
Spend time with one of my best friends, Sara, who I barely get to see but we do talk everyday.
Now that I am legal I feel pretty much the same 'cept for now I have to be careful not to commit a crime...
Not that I was constantly committing crimes while I was underage.
So yeah, finals went alright. They were what I expected.
I am looking forward to a nice winter break and seeing some more of my friends, hopefully. I don't have a curfew anymore!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
College Acceptance Update (Boring)
So, I officially got accepted to Fordham University. Before, I had just gotten my scholarships - a 4 year ROTC Army scholarship (which is tuition, spending money, and fees provided I pass my monthly physicals starting in July), and room and board award from the college (provided my GPA stays above a 2.5 or something like that).
I now have gotten actual letters from the school which is exciting. I'm not sure if I should send in my signed letters yet though. I'm still waiting for official acceptance from my state university of choice.
They sent me an email entitled, Happy Holidays! I almost didn't open it but at the bottom, in white text so I had to highlight to read, it said I had been accepted into the honors college.
I was really happy!
Yet, I was so confused. Was I accepted into the school? Would I be receiving paperwork anytime soon? Was I getting any money?
I had received a 4 year Army scholarship there as well but unfortunately, it can't be used with the other award I received from state testing so I would have to reject my state testing award. I was confused so I already revoked my state college's ROTC award to increase my Fordham acceptance rate.
By accepting Fordham ROTC before state ROTC, Fordham unofficially said they would evaluate my ROTC as a part of admission which was pretty nice of them, and I took them up on it which seemed like a smart thing to do.
So yes, the 18th most expensive college in the nation is essentially free to me.
My state college I would have to pay for a lot of things and they still aren't really being nice to me!
At one point, I needed an interview for something, and I called. No one answered. I called again. No answer. Again! No answer so what did I do? I dressed in my fancy clothes and just got off school early and drove to the university myself. They let me schedule but I had to again take time off to actually do the interview.
Ahh, the tears of frustration!
I just want a backup plan I guess and I don't know, I would be happy at either place.
I do have a backup plan though at a school that I have not only been accepted to out of state but is giving me enough money to be the cost of my state school so that's fun. Plus, I might be picked up for some sort of ROTC scholarship there. Probably not a four year, but a nice one.
In the spring, I apply for Fordam's, 'Fordham Plunge' which is a chance to go to Fordham a couple of days before orientation and work on 20+ community service projects in the Bronx and around New York! How awesome is that!
I am also looking at this study abroad program I would like to apply to if I go to Fordham. It is studying either WWII in London or doing a nonfiction writing course in London where you essentially journal about your cultural experience! Sounds like a fancy blog for a class credit to me.
I now have gotten actual letters from the school which is exciting. I'm not sure if I should send in my signed letters yet though. I'm still waiting for official acceptance from my state university of choice.
They sent me an email entitled, Happy Holidays! I almost didn't open it but at the bottom, in white text so I had to highlight to read, it said I had been accepted into the honors college.
I was really happy!
Yet, I was so confused. Was I accepted into the school? Would I be receiving paperwork anytime soon? Was I getting any money?
I had received a 4 year Army scholarship there as well but unfortunately, it can't be used with the other award I received from state testing so I would have to reject my state testing award. I was confused so I already revoked my state college's ROTC award to increase my Fordham acceptance rate.
By accepting Fordham ROTC before state ROTC, Fordham unofficially said they would evaluate my ROTC as a part of admission which was pretty nice of them, and I took them up on it which seemed like a smart thing to do.
So yes, the 18th most expensive college in the nation is essentially free to me.
My state college I would have to pay for a lot of things and they still aren't really being nice to me!
At one point, I needed an interview for something, and I called. No one answered. I called again. No answer. Again! No answer so what did I do? I dressed in my fancy clothes and just got off school early and drove to the university myself. They let me schedule but I had to again take time off to actually do the interview.
Ahh, the tears of frustration!
I just want a backup plan I guess and I don't know, I would be happy at either place.
I do have a backup plan though at a school that I have not only been accepted to out of state but is giving me enough money to be the cost of my state school so that's fun. Plus, I might be picked up for some sort of ROTC scholarship there. Probably not a four year, but a nice one.
In the spring, I apply for Fordam's, 'Fordham Plunge' which is a chance to go to Fordham a couple of days before orientation and work on 20+ community service projects in the Bronx and around New York! How awesome is that!
I am also looking at this study abroad program I would like to apply to if I go to Fordham. It is studying either WWII in London or doing a nonfiction writing course in London where you essentially journal about your cultural experience! Sounds like a fancy blog for a class credit to me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The State of Being Awesome
When I want to know the real meaning of a word, I head to urbandictionary.
While the first definition for awesome is 'a word American's use too much' I felt that was too broad. Americans use a lot of words too much, like love and thank you, and while that makes them seem less important, their denotation still resonate.
I think there are a couple different definitions for awesome which is okay because a lot of words have more than one meaning in the dictionary.
One definition, the one that would be listed first, is something cool and exciting.
"That shirt is awesome because it lights up."
"That solo was awesome, you were the star of the show!"
Being awesome means being enjoyable and unique to the senses I think.
Actually being awesome is probably the second most used definition.
"You are awesome."
What does that mean?
It means you are wonderful. It means you add Technicolor to whatever context it's being used in.
Most of society is lonely, or so they say. Everyone has someone in their life that is wonderful though. Even though you have 43897598 people around you, they all fade into the background. In a sense, they are white noise.
Wonderful and awesome are the words for people who stick out. That could be your best friend or your worst enemy.
They add vibrancy.
Worst enemy you ask?
Well, you know when they enter the room and you're aware of their life in someway. They are a color in a sense, not a grey passerby. While they might not be wonderful, their personality strikes a chord with you and thus, they are more likely to stand out in other circles too, perhaps for the better!
So, in my theory, that I just came up with as I wrote this, enemies are closer to being your awesome companion than strangers.
I was inspired by the Liz.
While the first definition for awesome is 'a word American's use too much' I felt that was too broad. Americans use a lot of words too much, like love and thank you, and while that makes them seem less important, their denotation still resonate.
I think there are a couple different definitions for awesome which is okay because a lot of words have more than one meaning in the dictionary.
One definition, the one that would be listed first, is something cool and exciting.
"That shirt is awesome because it lights up."
"That solo was awesome, you were the star of the show!"
Being awesome means being enjoyable and unique to the senses I think.
Actually being awesome is probably the second most used definition.
"You are awesome."
What does that mean?
It means you are wonderful. It means you add Technicolor to whatever context it's being used in.
Most of society is lonely, or so they say. Everyone has someone in their life that is wonderful though. Even though you have 43897598 people around you, they all fade into the background. In a sense, they are white noise.
Wonderful and awesome are the words for people who stick out. That could be your best friend or your worst enemy.
They add vibrancy.
Worst enemy you ask?
Well, you know when they enter the room and you're aware of their life in someway. They are a color in a sense, not a grey passerby. While they might not be wonderful, their personality strikes a chord with you and thus, they are more likely to stand out in other circles too, perhaps for the better!
So, in my theory, that I just came up with as I wrote this, enemies are closer to being your awesome companion than strangers.
I was inspired by the Liz.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Nostalgia
I rush home from school today thinking I am going to work on my online health class, that I need to graduate by the way, but instead I find myself doing the usual procrastination routine that is oh-so-comfortable. I found a couple of blogs that made me feel good. You know, the ones that are handwritten thank you notes daily or something like Cardboard Love. I guess I'm in one of those nostalgic moods.
I also read some nice long blog posts about people I've never met.
I kind of like seeing the tidbits of other people. I guess I'm just nosy like that. It's weird because when I write blogs I know that I always write the bare minimum and I wonder what things people have left out.
I would give examples of the type of exciting things I never mention but that would be defeating the purpose.
Sometimes, I wonder if I say too much. Not just when I write but when I talk to people. I almost like keeping secrets because it's cool to have something that no one else can taint - or that's what I tell myself anyway.
Okay, so I am not going to be attending an all girls college.
I got a four year ROTC scholarship to Fordham University and the school is going to be be giving me room and board.
New York for free! I don't think I could pass up such an amazing offer. Now, I just need to get in shape, again. I don't know, was I ever in shape. Anyway, it is perhaps 90 percent official. I need to still sign some paperwork and all that jazz.
I am not dissapointed at all.
Just, a little nervous. I am already missing somethings but looking forward to a lot of different adventures as well.
Thanksgiving was fun. I think the most accurate word would be cozy. I had to miss my friend's birthday party and my boyfriend's steel band concert.
That's fine, I have made plans to see Harry Potter with my friend and my boyfriend is in another ensemble that's playing this up coming weekend.
That's so weird to say, even after 5 months?, boyfriend. Haha, I have no idea why but it makes me giggle even to type it.
I am pretty immature :). Also, I am comforted by the fact that I don't think he finds blogs that interesting anyway!
I also read some nice long blog posts about people I've never met.
I kind of like seeing the tidbits of other people. I guess I'm just nosy like that. It's weird because when I write blogs I know that I always write the bare minimum and I wonder what things people have left out.
I would give examples of the type of exciting things I never mention but that would be defeating the purpose.
Sometimes, I wonder if I say too much. Not just when I write but when I talk to people. I almost like keeping secrets because it's cool to have something that no one else can taint - or that's what I tell myself anyway.
Okay, so I am not going to be attending an all girls college.
I got a four year ROTC scholarship to Fordham University and the school is going to be be giving me room and board.
New York for free! I don't think I could pass up such an amazing offer. Now, I just need to get in shape, again. I don't know, was I ever in shape. Anyway, it is perhaps 90 percent official. I need to still sign some paperwork and all that jazz.
I am not dissapointed at all.
Just, a little nervous. I am already missing somethings but looking forward to a lot of different adventures as well.
Thanksgiving was fun. I think the most accurate word would be cozy. I had to miss my friend's birthday party and my boyfriend's steel band concert.
That's fine, I have made plans to see Harry Potter with my friend and my boyfriend is in another ensemble that's playing this up coming weekend.
That's so weird to say, even after 5 months?, boyfriend. Haha, I have no idea why but it makes me giggle even to type it.
I am pretty immature :). Also, I am comforted by the fact that I don't think he finds blogs that interesting anyway!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Love
It is finally chilly here.
I don't know if that's good or not but I enjoy a change.
I was talking to someone today and I mentioned something about marching band and so they got me to start talking about what it was like being drum major.
I tell him a quick anecdotal story, barely scratching the surface about what that experience was like and he smiles and tells me I suddenly did not look stressed anymore.
I don't know if that was because I was talking about band or if the light simply moved to erase the wrinkles on my face but... I didn't say anything but smile.
We say goodbye and I am left wondering, did just talking about marching band really do that much to me? Did just thinking about it for a second make me that happy?
Band camp.
Zero hour.
Turf in my bed.
Percussion.
Brass.
Cold mouthpieces leaving tingly sensations until first period.
Squinting into the sun while conducting.
Tan lines on only one side of me from conducting.
Sore arms and back.
Sore feet.
Chafed neck.
Best friends.
Funny jokes.
Sweat.
The shade from my shako on a Friday night.
Amazing memories.
Great experiences.
I think I could fill up a novel.
It's weird because music programs across the district might have to be cut from elementary through high school. I understand why, I really do but I think I cried.
I made vibraphone for indoor percussion and I am going to do my best to live up to such an honor.
but man, I'm going to miss it.
I don't know if that's good or not but I enjoy a change.
I was talking to someone today and I mentioned something about marching band and so they got me to start talking about what it was like being drum major.
I tell him a quick anecdotal story, barely scratching the surface about what that experience was like and he smiles and tells me I suddenly did not look stressed anymore.
I don't know if that was because I was talking about band or if the light simply moved to erase the wrinkles on my face but... I didn't say anything but smile.
We say goodbye and I am left wondering, did just talking about marching band really do that much to me? Did just thinking about it for a second make me that happy?
Band camp.
Zero hour.
Turf in my bed.
Percussion.
Brass.
Cold mouthpieces leaving tingly sensations until first period.
Squinting into the sun while conducting.
Tan lines on only one side of me from conducting.
Sore arms and back.
Sore feet.
Chafed neck.
Best friends.
Funny jokes.
Sweat.
The shade from my shako on a Friday night.
Amazing memories.
Great experiences.
I think I could fill up a novel.
It's weird because music programs across the district might have to be cut from elementary through high school. I understand why, I really do but I think I cried.
I made vibraphone for indoor percussion and I am going to do my best to live up to such an honor.
but man, I'm going to miss it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Applying to an All Girls College
Many of my friends are surprised to hear of my interest in an all girls college. Even I am.
If you had told me last year I was applying early decision to Mount Holyoke, I wouldn't have believed you. I mean, just look at my previous post. I was set to go to a military academy! It's funny because I narrowed down my college choices to seven that I will be applying to and none of them are military academies. No Virginia Military Institute or the Citadel. Instead, I have schools like Smith College and Denison University on my list.
Well, whatever is supposed to happen will occur and I'll be happy either way.
That's something worth noting - I think whatever college I go to, I will be happy at. I am incredibly lucky that I have the opportunity to go to college as well! Granted, I'll only be able to consider the colleges I get an ROTC scholarship for, but still - how absolutely amazing is that!
I have three more colleges to finish applying to out of my seven.
I am almost done with two of them.
It's quite an exciting time as well as a super stressful one.
High school is definitely not what I would have thought it to be. Freshmen year was probably the best year but so far, high school is alright. Senior year is meh. It's like purgatory before getting to the next step of your life. You are just sitting around waiting.
Anyway, why was I writing this blog?
Girls college. Right. Got it.
Why do I want to go?
As my college admission essay for Mount Holyoke states, it's important to be able to articulate why you want to go.
Funny how that's the last thing left for me to do.
Why I Want to go:
1. It's an all girls college. This means 50 percent more girls than any other college AKA twice as many people to be best friends with!
2. It's not a party school. Some may find this a negative but those who know me would agree that it makes sense. Yes, I like having a good time but do I need craziness and loudness? No! I want to learn and be with others who want to learn!
3. It's part of the Five College Consortium. What does that mean? I can take classes and join clubs at four other institutions nearby and that include the University of Massachusetts!
4. UMass, as mentioned above, has one awesome percussion/mallets program that would be fun to try out for.
5. Have you seen Massachusetts and New England? Beautiful! I see photos and I am just thinking about the amazing hiking and running trails and I start salivating.
6. Traditions! Old private schools have a lot. A few of my favorite that I've read about include elfing and Mountain Day!
7. Small class sizes and discussions. Amen. Either Princeton Review or US World ranked them as the number one classroom experience.
8. This school keeps telling me it emphasizes writing and I had to send in a writing sample in the form of my work I've done for my current English class. I love writing and I love that they take it seriously!
9. They offer Russian. Not every college offers Russian.
Now, how to put all these in an intelligent sounding essay? Maybe, I'm not as great at writing as I thought ;).
Of course, if I don't get in it's not the end of the world. I would be completely happy at my state college as well! I am just keeping some doors open.
Later next week I'll be going to an information meeting at the state university I am most interested in.
If you had told me last year I was applying early decision to Mount Holyoke, I wouldn't have believed you. I mean, just look at my previous post. I was set to go to a military academy! It's funny because I narrowed down my college choices to seven that I will be applying to and none of them are military academies. No Virginia Military Institute or the Citadel. Instead, I have schools like Smith College and Denison University on my list.
Well, whatever is supposed to happen will occur and I'll be happy either way.
That's something worth noting - I think whatever college I go to, I will be happy at. I am incredibly lucky that I have the opportunity to go to college as well! Granted, I'll only be able to consider the colleges I get an ROTC scholarship for, but still - how absolutely amazing is that!
I have three more colleges to finish applying to out of my seven.
I am almost done with two of them.
It's quite an exciting time as well as a super stressful one.
High school is definitely not what I would have thought it to be. Freshmen year was probably the best year but so far, high school is alright. Senior year is meh. It's like purgatory before getting to the next step of your life. You are just sitting around waiting.
Anyway, why was I writing this blog?
Girls college. Right. Got it.
Why do I want to go?
As my college admission essay for Mount Holyoke states, it's important to be able to articulate why you want to go.
Funny how that's the last thing left for me to do.
Why I Want to go:
1. It's an all girls college. This means 50 percent more girls than any other college AKA twice as many people to be best friends with!
2. It's not a party school. Some may find this a negative but those who know me would agree that it makes sense. Yes, I like having a good time but do I need craziness and loudness? No! I want to learn and be with others who want to learn!
3. It's part of the Five College Consortium. What does that mean? I can take classes and join clubs at four other institutions nearby and that include the University of Massachusetts!
4. UMass, as mentioned above, has one awesome percussion/mallets program that would be fun to try out for.
5. Have you seen Massachusetts and New England? Beautiful! I see photos and I am just thinking about the amazing hiking and running trails and I start salivating.
6. Traditions! Old private schools have a lot. A few of my favorite that I've read about include elfing and Mountain Day!
7. Small class sizes and discussions. Amen. Either Princeton Review or US World ranked them as the number one classroom experience.
8. This school keeps telling me it emphasizes writing and I had to send in a writing sample in the form of my work I've done for my current English class. I love writing and I love that they take it seriously!
9. They offer Russian. Not every college offers Russian.
Now, how to put all these in an intelligent sounding essay? Maybe, I'm not as great at writing as I thought ;).
Of course, if I don't get in it's not the end of the world. I would be completely happy at my state college as well! I am just keeping some doors open.
Later next week I'll be going to an information meeting at the state university I am most interested in.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Becoming Anne
Just a couple days ago I felt seized with this urgency to write but I didn’t have time or I didn’t have my computer - excuses. Now, I have everything I need to write yet nothing is really coming out. I feel incredibly blank. It is neither good or bad - simply a fact.
I suppose I could recap my last couple of days, weeks I suppose would be a more accurate way of counting. I had my last summer vacation with my family as I shall be a senior this upcoming school year and then off to college. I actually spent one week away from my family.
I went to a military academy for a week to decide if I would like it for four years. I would, but I feel like it isn’t me. It does not fit me perfectly. During the school years, there are moments when life and responsibilities just surge in on me and I find myself robotic. All I am doing is simply moving my muscles and staring blankly ahead of me, I don’t need direction from my senses. In those moments, I am the epitome of what I have worked for, and yet in those moments I am not really me. It is the after that is the best. The time of reflection is who I am. I do not think I will be allowed a period of reflection for four years at a military academy. This isn’t bad but I want that research question and just any question I have and be allowed to simply think. That’s what universities have always meant to me and I want it more and more I think.
Strange that the academy has been my dream since sixth grade.
Yet, I don’t think I should be bogged down by old desires and dreams. Dreams come and go and everyone has a choice for which one they follow.
It gets hard though but everyone has a hard journey they are undergoing silently and by themselves. It’s funny, simple things people do to me hinder my journey yet I believe they are done without malicious. With that in mind, I hope I do not do anything bad to people and their adventures - paths - whatever they are.
I’ve always been someone who needed to hero to cling to. I liked having role models and learning from people. That was, no…is, the very best part of my day. The parts of my day where I was a follower were the best yet I always fashioned myself to one day be a leader. One day, hopefully I will be. Before I die, I hope people can say, she lead them somewhere. I hope that somewhere is of course, a good and successful one but I digress.
Often times, I question myself. I find myself milling around when the better person would have taken charge. Sometimes, I just can’t find the will and other times, I don’t think it’s important. In my experiences, I learned that most of the time you have to pick your battles. Of course, I could be terribly wrong. I only know a few things about life. In fact, for all I know, I know nothing at all.
Sometimes, I get tired of watching things. Clamor and noise happens and it just makes me sad. It isn’t even loud noises or overpowering noises, just sad ones. I think transportation noises are saddest. The sound of leaving and coming. Trains down a track, subway winds passing by, and airplanes landing - they’re peculiar.
Did you know, this will probably be my last year ever getting to perform.
Funny how a lot of this season depends on certain pieces to fall in place but I am not really making much of an effort.
Actually, that’s a lie.
It’ll just be end of marching band I think. Notice I made no mention of the end of indoor percussion. Perhaps the end of this group, but there exists other opportunities. Maybe, better ones. I wouldn’t have really been able to fathom myself being in some clubs and such that I am in now. So, I don’t think the end, or leaving, is terribly sad. At least, currently.
I feel like I’m reverting into a person I was five years ago. I loved that person but I always thought I had grown into someone else. Not bad and not good, I had just changed with time, now as time passes I feel myself becoming that middle school student I once was. Seventh and eighth grade were my favorite years. So, maybe it is good.
I’ve never been a fan of going backwards though and I’ll sure I’ll regret writing this in a couple of days.
The more you look, the less you see…I suppose.
I suppose I could recap my last couple of days, weeks I suppose would be a more accurate way of counting. I had my last summer vacation with my family as I shall be a senior this upcoming school year and then off to college. I actually spent one week away from my family.
I went to a military academy for a week to decide if I would like it for four years. I would, but I feel like it isn’t me. It does not fit me perfectly. During the school years, there are moments when life and responsibilities just surge in on me and I find myself robotic. All I am doing is simply moving my muscles and staring blankly ahead of me, I don’t need direction from my senses. In those moments, I am the epitome of what I have worked for, and yet in those moments I am not really me. It is the after that is the best. The time of reflection is who I am. I do not think I will be allowed a period of reflection for four years at a military academy. This isn’t bad but I want that research question and just any question I have and be allowed to simply think. That’s what universities have always meant to me and I want it more and more I think.
Strange that the academy has been my dream since sixth grade.
Yet, I don’t think I should be bogged down by old desires and dreams. Dreams come and go and everyone has a choice for which one they follow.
It gets hard though but everyone has a hard journey they are undergoing silently and by themselves. It’s funny, simple things people do to me hinder my journey yet I believe they are done without malicious. With that in mind, I hope I do not do anything bad to people and their adventures - paths - whatever they are.
I’ve always been someone who needed to hero to cling to. I liked having role models and learning from people. That was, no…is, the very best part of my day. The parts of my day where I was a follower were the best yet I always fashioned myself to one day be a leader. One day, hopefully I will be. Before I die, I hope people can say, she lead them somewhere. I hope that somewhere is of course, a good and successful one but I digress.
Often times, I question myself. I find myself milling around when the better person would have taken charge. Sometimes, I just can’t find the will and other times, I don’t think it’s important. In my experiences, I learned that most of the time you have to pick your battles. Of course, I could be terribly wrong. I only know a few things about life. In fact, for all I know, I know nothing at all.
Sometimes, I get tired of watching things. Clamor and noise happens and it just makes me sad. It isn’t even loud noises or overpowering noises, just sad ones. I think transportation noises are saddest. The sound of leaving and coming. Trains down a track, subway winds passing by, and airplanes landing - they’re peculiar.
Did you know, this will probably be my last year ever getting to perform.
Funny how a lot of this season depends on certain pieces to fall in place but I am not really making much of an effort.
Actually, that’s a lie.
It’ll just be end of marching band I think. Notice I made no mention of the end of indoor percussion. Perhaps the end of this group, but there exists other opportunities. Maybe, better ones. I wouldn’t have really been able to fathom myself being in some clubs and such that I am in now. So, I don’t think the end, or leaving, is terribly sad. At least, currently.
I feel like I’m reverting into a person I was five years ago. I loved that person but I always thought I had grown into someone else. Not bad and not good, I had just changed with time, now as time passes I feel myself becoming that middle school student I once was. Seventh and eighth grade were my favorite years. So, maybe it is good.
I’ve never been a fan of going backwards though and I’ll sure I’ll regret writing this in a couple of days.
The more you look, the less you see…I suppose.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
...
SPORTSMENSHIP
Maybe I'm lacking it, not them...
I just think you need to taste defeat to know what victory means.
To know that maybe, it's not about winning but competing.
Maybe, I should just hope they succeed because who am I to know what they paid in?
Sacrifice, blood, sweat, tears, agony.
Don't guess what I'm talking about because I'm being ljslfjmeaniefacesdlkfjsdkfljsd right now.
not good not good not good
Imma ESPLODE.
Maybe I'm lacking it, not them...
I just think you need to taste defeat to know what victory means.
To know that maybe, it's not about winning but competing.
Maybe, I should just hope they succeed because who am I to know what they paid in?
Sacrifice, blood, sweat, tears, agony.
Don't guess what I'm talking about because I'm being ljslfjmeaniefacesdlkfjsdkfljsd right now.
not good not good not good
Imma ESPLODE.
FURY
There I was, standing behind the metal bleachers on a football field in Pheonix. A large purple storage shed was inbetween these bleachers and I. The twilight sun was setting and I was doing my normal post 3200m death routine - sneezing my brain out and convulsing for air.
This irritating shed thing was holding me up. Mostly, I get irritated at everything after I run and then what was written on it kept grating at me: PAY THE PRICE.
I was irritated because I don't like quotes on things. I like it in your brain but I don't like quotes painted on things. I blame my coach for this weird pet peeve that recently developed.
Inbetween my sneezes, I would read it over and over again and get more and more irritated. A bystander may have thought I was a crazy muffin.
I was irritated because I didn't understand.
I do now.
You have priorities in life and there is only so many things one person can do. Sure, you can push the envelope but then something else has to give as you put all your resources into one thing. I guess it is kind of like the concept of economics in that respect.
That stupid purple metal box hours away from home may have been painted to mean to try harder in practice.
Something along those lines.
I choose to take it literally.
When I run, I give up carbs.
When I do homework, I give up friends.
When I do marching band, I give up everything else.
Ect ect. and one isn't nessacarily better than the other.
You just pay in fiat money I suppose.
and what the heck do I want to spend the most on these days?
I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
But I can only sleep if my grades are good.
FURY.
This is me being dumb.
This irritating shed thing was holding me up. Mostly, I get irritated at everything after I run and then what was written on it kept grating at me: PAY THE PRICE.
I was irritated because I don't like quotes on things. I like it in your brain but I don't like quotes painted on things. I blame my coach for this weird pet peeve that recently developed.
Inbetween my sneezes, I would read it over and over again and get more and more irritated. A bystander may have thought I was a crazy muffin.
I was irritated because I didn't understand.
I do now.
You have priorities in life and there is only so many things one person can do. Sure, you can push the envelope but then something else has to give as you put all your resources into one thing. I guess it is kind of like the concept of economics in that respect.
That stupid purple metal box hours away from home may have been painted to mean to try harder in practice.
Something along those lines.
I choose to take it literally.
When I run, I give up carbs.
When I do homework, I give up friends.
When I do marching band, I give up everything else.
Ect ect. and one isn't nessacarily better than the other.
You just pay in fiat money I suppose.
and what the heck do I want to spend the most on these days?
I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
But I can only sleep if my grades are good.
FURY.
This is me being dumb.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Why I Like Jr. Year
I found this on my facebook notes application thing. It was under my drafts. I've written so much on that website that I never published but I read this and it helped me overcome some burnt out feelings I've been having.
---
When I think about high school, I find I always think about frosh year. It was just so different. In middle school, we were fighting for the chance not to have to walk in lines. High school meant free range and no one was going to hold my hand. I always find myself acting much older when I look back, too.
"I remember, once, my freshmen year..."
I'm not old, that's the thing. Maybe I'm talking a bit too early but I feel like this year is going to be incredible. It's not because anything got any better or that things have changed much here in this town. It's just that...finally everything is how it was.
I really don't know where I'm going with this and that is absolutely wonderous. I don't know if anyone who ends up reading this knows, but my frosh year I had a myspace and I enjoyed blogging on it. But the thing is, my frosh blog...was incredibly random. At least, what I remember. My brain just wanting to explode because it couldn't get all its ideas and passion out at once. So, I would ramble.
and ramble and ramble. It had no direction.
Mostly, it was about running and marching band. These are the two things that have defined me since the first day of school. Joining cross country was a bit random on my part, I actually have no idea why I joined but I'm glad I did! I think a part of me had already given up on basketball or maybe I just thought running was a cool sport. Yes, that's it! I always thought the girls in track and field looked like they were having a lot of fun so I joined cross country to become a better runner by the time track came along. I had always wanted to join marching band though. Even if it's such a weird thing to do if you think about it; Making shapes on football fields holding up shiny things.
These couple days of junior year have been great. Sophomore year was alright. It wasn't made of awesome though. Sophomore year felt really restrictive, not in the middle school way but in a quieter way. It was just very grey. I didn't hate it but grey gets boring after awhile. I didn't have much passion. I, unfortunetly, thrive on passion and inspiration. There was no inspiration but the poster that covered the windows in math class.
I probably just had some teenage angst going on, but whateva whateva.
This year feels like how freshmen year and sophomore year was supposed to be. All massed up into one.
This year I'm a drum major. Basically, I'm the person that waves my hands around.
It's so much more than that, though. I'd like to say I've got some leadership experience under my belt but what does that really mean? I could probably talk about what it means to be a leader for a long time. Days. But out of everything I've collected from my life, I've learned the most from being a drum major. More than half I've only learned since July.
Also, I would like to take this moment to say that a leader isn't about the limelight. It's not about getting to stand on a podium nor is it about being able to say you did lead. If that's all someone is in it for, then they never did lead.
Whatever it takes to be a leader though, I'm still working on it and I like it.
What is the best part is getting to know a lot of people a lot more closer then I think I get to if I just play brass.
But a less explainable reason why I like it is I do get to stand in the front. It's not for feeling in charge or thinking people are watching me, no not at all. I feel the music. Instead of the physical and mental task of the drill and music on the turf, it's glorious to feel music.
No, I'm not on anything! ahaha.
I've always know that percussion for example, makes vibrations. But do you know how physically thick it actually feels like intermingled with brass and woodwinds. It's like butter...but much less greasy. When I wave my hands around, it feels like magic. One of these days I just want to go to a brass or percussion sectional and just stand on a ladder with my hands raised above my head. Of course, people would ask what I'm doing...that could get complicated to explain. I don't think people would believe it if I told them I was doing drum major yoga..darn.
I equate this joy of something ridiculous like this to passion. It's like touching inspiration. I don't know, maybe it would make more sense to compare the feeling of the music to the same feeling that really nice minor chords giving you shivers. Percussion and brass vibration is, instead of goosebumbs, a warm blanket.
Yesterday, I watched five hours of DCI (Marching Music's Major League). That was pretty intense. I enjoyed the music and of course all the marching was impressive! DCI is very innovative. I don't know why, I've just always loved it. I saw DCI the summer before my frosh year. The Academy were the first preformers - they made me say WOW out loud. I've never been that impressed before. They started off the show with an immediate crisp and loud sound. Later in the show were bands like Santa Clara and Blue Devils. Both those bands won all the captions, of course! I remember people teaching me everything about marching band and it so crazy to see the differences between bands. Even how crisp turns were made was a way to figure out how a band compared to another.
But that's not all I thought about yesterday - I thought about people who I love.
Extracurriculars are hard. You spend time doing them and as far as band goes - I spend more time with them in marching season then I do with my family. Band is my family sometimes.
Where am I going with this?
I don't know but everytime I see the football field, my heart swells.
July 15, 2007 - Sunday Excited for upcoming season.
I can honestly say that I have never been so excited about a season than this one!! The members are all great, and the brass section is so dedicated. A huge improvement from the past years and I hope something special happens for these kids because they deserve it.
- Eat it up.
---
When I think about high school, I find I always think about frosh year. It was just so different. In middle school, we were fighting for the chance not to have to walk in lines. High school meant free range and no one was going to hold my hand. I always find myself acting much older when I look back, too.
"I remember, once, my freshmen year..."
I'm not old, that's the thing. Maybe I'm talking a bit too early but I feel like this year is going to be incredible. It's not because anything got any better or that things have changed much here in this town. It's just that...finally everything is how it was.
I really don't know where I'm going with this and that is absolutely wonderous. I don't know if anyone who ends up reading this knows, but my frosh year I had a myspace and I enjoyed blogging on it. But the thing is, my frosh blog...was incredibly random. At least, what I remember. My brain just wanting to explode because it couldn't get all its ideas and passion out at once. So, I would ramble.
and ramble and ramble. It had no direction.
Mostly, it was about running and marching band. These are the two things that have defined me since the first day of school. Joining cross country was a bit random on my part, I actually have no idea why I joined but I'm glad I did! I think a part of me had already given up on basketball or maybe I just thought running was a cool sport. Yes, that's it! I always thought the girls in track and field looked like they were having a lot of fun so I joined cross country to become a better runner by the time track came along. I had always wanted to join marching band though. Even if it's such a weird thing to do if you think about it; Making shapes on football fields holding up shiny things.
These couple days of junior year have been great. Sophomore year was alright. It wasn't made of awesome though. Sophomore year felt really restrictive, not in the middle school way but in a quieter way. It was just very grey. I didn't hate it but grey gets boring after awhile. I didn't have much passion. I, unfortunetly, thrive on passion and inspiration. There was no inspiration but the poster that covered the windows in math class.
I probably just had some teenage angst going on, but whateva whateva.
This year feels like how freshmen year and sophomore year was supposed to be. All massed up into one.
This year I'm a drum major. Basically, I'm the person that waves my hands around.
It's so much more than that, though. I'd like to say I've got some leadership experience under my belt but what does that really mean? I could probably talk about what it means to be a leader for a long time. Days. But out of everything I've collected from my life, I've learned the most from being a drum major. More than half I've only learned since July.
Also, I would like to take this moment to say that a leader isn't about the limelight. It's not about getting to stand on a podium nor is it about being able to say you did lead. If that's all someone is in it for, then they never did lead.
Whatever it takes to be a leader though, I'm still working on it and I like it.
What is the best part is getting to know a lot of people a lot more closer then I think I get to if I just play brass.
But a less explainable reason why I like it is I do get to stand in the front. It's not for feeling in charge or thinking people are watching me, no not at all. I feel the music. Instead of the physical and mental task of the drill and music on the turf, it's glorious to feel music.
No, I'm not on anything! ahaha.
I've always know that percussion for example, makes vibrations. But do you know how physically thick it actually feels like intermingled with brass and woodwinds. It's like butter...but much less greasy. When I wave my hands around, it feels like magic. One of these days I just want to go to a brass or percussion sectional and just stand on a ladder with my hands raised above my head. Of course, people would ask what I'm doing...that could get complicated to explain. I don't think people would believe it if I told them I was doing drum major yoga..darn.
I equate this joy of something ridiculous like this to passion. It's like touching inspiration. I don't know, maybe it would make more sense to compare the feeling of the music to the same feeling that really nice minor chords giving you shivers. Percussion and brass vibration is, instead of goosebumbs, a warm blanket.
Yesterday, I watched five hours of DCI (Marching Music's Major League). That was pretty intense. I enjoyed the music and of course all the marching was impressive! DCI is very innovative. I don't know why, I've just always loved it. I saw DCI the summer before my frosh year. The Academy were the first preformers - they made me say WOW out loud. I've never been that impressed before. They started off the show with an immediate crisp and loud sound. Later in the show were bands like Santa Clara and Blue Devils. Both those bands won all the captions, of course! I remember people teaching me everything about marching band and it so crazy to see the differences between bands. Even how crisp turns were made was a way to figure out how a band compared to another.
But that's not all I thought about yesterday - I thought about people who I love.
Extracurriculars are hard. You spend time doing them and as far as band goes - I spend more time with them in marching season then I do with my family. Band is my family sometimes.
Where am I going with this?
I don't know but everytime I see the football field, my heart swells.
July 15, 2007 - Sunday Excited for upcoming season.
I can honestly say that I have never been so excited about a season than this one!! The members are all great, and the brass section is so dedicated. A huge improvement from the past years and I hope something special happens for these kids because they deserve it.
- Eat it up.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
If You Leave, I Hope You Need to Come Back
Just a quick description of the past few days.
Wow, life has been so busy.
It hasn’t really been horrible but it has just been action packed. Most recently, on Friday I went to a large invitational for track that was about two hours away from our school. My event, the 3200m, was the first to happen. I was supposed to run a 13:50 but unfortunately, I ran a 14:14. My PR is a 13:51. Oh well! It was super hot too. So, I spent the next 10 hours drifting in and out of consciousness.
I don’t really know the varsity team. I mean, I am varsity. Or, my uniform is and they let me go to invitational and whatever but during practice I just finish the workout and go on my merry way. I sort of got to know the people this time around.
I was worried that maybe things were going to be different in the future but I think if anything is going to be different, it is because it is going to be better.
On another note, I am most definitely not a fan of grass. At 9PM the school we were at decided to water the grass and my goodness, I could not stop sneezing and was grumpy for the rest of the night. Sneezing takes a lot out of me.
The next morning was a middle school track meet my high school likes to put on. It went pretty smoothly, unlike last time! Bianca and I tried to find shade while doing homework.
After we had an adventure out and about in town, I went with some of the senior cymbal players to see a performance down at the university. My friend Kyle was there as well, he is thinking about trying out for cymbals as well, so that’s exciting.
I saw Erika! She is pretty cool beans and I love talking to her.
Can’t think of much else besides all nighters and running out of energy drinks.
This Monday I’ll be taking a tour of the university just to see.
Wow, life has been so busy.
It hasn’t really been horrible but it has just been action packed. Most recently, on Friday I went to a large invitational for track that was about two hours away from our school. My event, the 3200m, was the first to happen. I was supposed to run a 13:50 but unfortunately, I ran a 14:14. My PR is a 13:51. Oh well! It was super hot too. So, I spent the next 10 hours drifting in and out of consciousness.
I don’t really know the varsity team. I mean, I am varsity. Or, my uniform is and they let me go to invitational and whatever but during practice I just finish the workout and go on my merry way. I sort of got to know the people this time around.
I was worried that maybe things were going to be different in the future but I think if anything is going to be different, it is because it is going to be better.
On another note, I am most definitely not a fan of grass. At 9PM the school we were at decided to water the grass and my goodness, I could not stop sneezing and was grumpy for the rest of the night. Sneezing takes a lot out of me.
The next morning was a middle school track meet my high school likes to put on. It went pretty smoothly, unlike last time! Bianca and I tried to find shade while doing homework.
After we had an adventure out and about in town, I went with some of the senior cymbal players to see a performance down at the university. My friend Kyle was there as well, he is thinking about trying out for cymbals as well, so that’s exciting.
I saw Erika! She is pretty cool beans and I love talking to her.
Can’t think of much else besides all nighters and running out of energy drinks.
This Monday I’ll be taking a tour of the university just to see.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I'd Much Rather Sing to You
I think people spend most of their time looking for something that means anything. They want to find the perfect moment and then live in it forever. That’s why, at least in high school, people go crazy about relationships whether it is the drama, the flirting, or the day dreaming.
I think I once found a perfect moment and when I think about it, I smile.
I was a freshmen and was at, of all things, an indoor brass performance sitting on the mat before we took the basketball court to play our show. Everyone was so relaxed and joking with each other. It was just so comfortable.
Then, the color guard group before us, started to dance. It was my favorite type of choreography, as far as what I could come up with anyway. They threw rifles at least five feet and sabers twice that height. What was the show they were performing you ask? Anberlin’s, The Unwinding Cable Car.
That was the first time I heard that song and I fell in love with it. I didn’t even know who Anberlin was, let alone if they were Christian or not. I just liked the song.
It reminded me of feeling happy and it reminded me of a friend. No, it reminds me of friends.
Sometimes, friendships fall apart and that is life. It’s only sad if you tried your hardest and yet seem to be getting nothing in return on the other side. I have to tell you though, I’ve never heard of a friendship failing if one person is doing all they can do.
But time is the meanest adversary.
I was blessed to be able to talk to one of my good friends from last year. She graduated from high school when I became a junior but we used to do everything together at school. This year has been different for me and it sounds like it has been different for her, too.
I hate it when I ‘can’t find time’ to send out a letter or I am too afraid to send an instant message to someone on AIM.
Small things like that.
It should also be interesting to note that I do not relate myself to the Unwinding Cable Car, only other people.
I think I once found a perfect moment and when I think about it, I smile.
I was a freshmen and was at, of all things, an indoor brass performance sitting on the mat before we took the basketball court to play our show. Everyone was so relaxed and joking with each other. It was just so comfortable.
Then, the color guard group before us, started to dance. It was my favorite type of choreography, as far as what I could come up with anyway. They threw rifles at least five feet and sabers twice that height. What was the show they were performing you ask? Anberlin’s, The Unwinding Cable Car.
That was the first time I heard that song and I fell in love with it. I didn’t even know who Anberlin was, let alone if they were Christian or not. I just liked the song.
It reminded me of feeling happy and it reminded me of a friend. No, it reminds me of friends.
Sometimes, friendships fall apart and that is life. It’s only sad if you tried your hardest and yet seem to be getting nothing in return on the other side. I have to tell you though, I’ve never heard of a friendship failing if one person is doing all they can do.
But time is the meanest adversary.
I was blessed to be able to talk to one of my good friends from last year. She graduated from high school when I became a junior but we used to do everything together at school. This year has been different for me and it sounds like it has been different for her, too.
I hate it when I ‘can’t find time’ to send out a letter or I am too afraid to send an instant message to someone on AIM.
Small things like that.
It should also be interesting to note that I do not relate myself to the Unwinding Cable Car, only other people.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Good People
I don't believe in bad people.
Sure, you may not get along with certain folks but in general, they are good people. Their personality makes them someone else's best friend and I would hate to not have a best friend - Or at least good friends.
I don't think everyone has a best friend, unfortunately. But someone has made them smile and that is worth a lot.
People can steal and kill and hurt others but how are we to know their reasoning?
I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm just saying it exists and they shouldn't be condemned forever. Actions do speak loud though.
I was watching a few videos where these people would go to a major city - New York, New Orleans, ect - and they would ask people on the street questions. All these people were unique: a sorority girl, a homeless man with no teeth, a housewife from Russia. It was quite interesting and they all earnestly yearned for something more - and if they didn't, there was still something deep with in. Something screamed, now that's a good person.
Or at least, a person is a good thing.
Where do you wish to wake up tomorrow?
What do you want to happen by the end of the day?
What is your deepest secret?
I don't think I would ever say those answers to a camera.
I wrote this is two sittings and now, I don't even know where I was going with.
Maybe, I just love my friends.
Sure, you may not get along with certain folks but in general, they are good people. Their personality makes them someone else's best friend and I would hate to not have a best friend - Or at least good friends.
I don't think everyone has a best friend, unfortunately. But someone has made them smile and that is worth a lot.
People can steal and kill and hurt others but how are we to know their reasoning?
I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm just saying it exists and they shouldn't be condemned forever. Actions do speak loud though.
I was watching a few videos where these people would go to a major city - New York, New Orleans, ect - and they would ask people on the street questions. All these people were unique: a sorority girl, a homeless man with no teeth, a housewife from Russia. It was quite interesting and they all earnestly yearned for something more - and if they didn't, there was still something deep with in. Something screamed, now that's a good person.
Or at least, a person is a good thing.
Where do you wish to wake up tomorrow?
What do you want to happen by the end of the day?
What is your deepest secret?
I don't think I would ever say those answers to a camera.
I wrote this is two sittings and now, I don't even know where I was going with.
Maybe, I just love my friends.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Candles
In general, when I think about myself, I think of a candle. In fact, to make this metaphor easier lets just say all people are candles. Looking up from above, we would be a reflection of the night sky on water. Some of us are brighter, some of us are not as bright but still visible.
You aren't forever stuck in one intensity of light. You flicker, like a candle, sometimes it is dull while sometimes the flame is massive. Wind comes and you've got to do something to protect it. Sometimes, you may look at your candle and see the black wick with a orange spark lingering on the tip. If you blow gently, it may relight.
I have a few flaws with this analogy. One of which is I've never imagined mine or anyone else's flame going out, it's always there. Sometimes, the wax gets precariously low, but then the next day the candle looks brand new. The candles are never consistent and I would like to venture forth and say, in general, life is consistent.
Also, I never factored in that someone else can help light your candle for you.
This is the way I am always picturing people and the stress levels in my life. When times get tough, I see myself crouched beneath a tea leaf as wind gushes around me and my hand is cupped around the flame and rain is pouring.
I started thinking like this when my counselor told me I would burn out as a freshmen. It made me sad as I had never heard such terminology. All I could think about was wax dripping.
But anyway, that was more or less a tangent.
I think it takes more than yourself to protect your flame. You need friends to help you! Also, flames do go out. That's okay though because when you walk in the darkness, it is never pitch black because the light from the other stars are always shining.
You aren't forever stuck in one intensity of light. You flicker, like a candle, sometimes it is dull while sometimes the flame is massive. Wind comes and you've got to do something to protect it. Sometimes, you may look at your candle and see the black wick with a orange spark lingering on the tip. If you blow gently, it may relight.
I have a few flaws with this analogy. One of which is I've never imagined mine or anyone else's flame going out, it's always there. Sometimes, the wax gets precariously low, but then the next day the candle looks brand new. The candles are never consistent and I would like to venture forth and say, in general, life is consistent.
Also, I never factored in that someone else can help light your candle for you.
This is the way I am always picturing people and the stress levels in my life. When times get tough, I see myself crouched beneath a tea leaf as wind gushes around me and my hand is cupped around the flame and rain is pouring.
I started thinking like this when my counselor told me I would burn out as a freshmen. It made me sad as I had never heard such terminology. All I could think about was wax dripping.
But anyway, that was more or less a tangent.
I think it takes more than yourself to protect your flame. You need friends to help you! Also, flames do go out. That's okay though because when you walk in the darkness, it is never pitch black because the light from the other stars are always shining.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Eight per Second
I have heard it said that the hurdles are a metaphor for life. You run towards an obstacle at full force and then at the last minute, you jump over it. The best hurdler won’t hesitate. Their stride is the same as their jump. The hurdle isn’t even there. Yet, to get over the hurdle creates so much fear and it clenches at your heart, but you’ve just got to face it.
Perhaps, that’s true for some people.
But I’m a distance runner.
You can’t give it your all because there is more left to come and then it is just so silent. Then the silence consumes you perhaps for a minute: perhaps for infinity. When you poke your head out of the shell, you first hear your breathing - it’s ragged but you’ve got to fight to keep it steady. You have to keep track of each lap - one, two, three. Did you make a mistake?
Too late to know now.
You’ve got to keep going, despite how much it hurts. Everything becomes loud. How easy would it be to just step off the track and throw in the towel! But you don’t, you find some way to keep going. Along the way, you are lapped but then, you lap someone else and the race still goes on and you can barely figure out the start and end of the runners on the black top.
Yet, you’re still alone.
Oh, how you keep fighting.
Your obstacle is the body that is allowing you to make any progress what-so-ever.
Then it’s over, before you know it.
Is this the cynical take on life? I don’t think so. I imagine myself as more of a realist. There are so many metaphors to life and it’s hard to decipher through each one. It feels like you’re wading in mud but one that refreshed my senses was the saying, “5cm per second; the rate at which cherry blossoms fall.”
Cherry blossoms do not fall in a straight line. The flutter and sing back and forth such as a pendulum does. They hit the floor lightly but while in the air, they dance with other petals. Perhaps, that is truly how life is. We dance with random petals - people - and then as quick as we meet we loose each other.
Perhaps, that’s true for some people.
But I’m a distance runner.
You can’t give it your all because there is more left to come and then it is just so silent. Then the silence consumes you perhaps for a minute: perhaps for infinity. When you poke your head out of the shell, you first hear your breathing - it’s ragged but you’ve got to fight to keep it steady. You have to keep track of each lap - one, two, three. Did you make a mistake?
Too late to know now.
You’ve got to keep going, despite how much it hurts. Everything becomes loud. How easy would it be to just step off the track and throw in the towel! But you don’t, you find some way to keep going. Along the way, you are lapped but then, you lap someone else and the race still goes on and you can barely figure out the start and end of the runners on the black top.
Yet, you’re still alone.
Oh, how you keep fighting.
Your obstacle is the body that is allowing you to make any progress what-so-ever.
Then it’s over, before you know it.
Is this the cynical take on life? I don’t think so. I imagine myself as more of a realist. There are so many metaphors to life and it’s hard to decipher through each one. It feels like you’re wading in mud but one that refreshed my senses was the saying, “5cm per second; the rate at which cherry blossoms fall.”
Cherry blossoms do not fall in a straight line. The flutter and sing back and forth such as a pendulum does. They hit the floor lightly but while in the air, they dance with other petals. Perhaps, that is truly how life is. We dance with random petals - people - and then as quick as we meet we loose each other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)