Just a couple days ago I felt seized with this urgency to write but I didn’t have time or I didn’t have my computer - excuses. Now, I have everything I need to write yet nothing is really coming out. I feel incredibly blank. It is neither good or bad - simply a fact.
I suppose I could recap my last couple of days, weeks I suppose would be a more accurate way of counting. I had my last summer vacation with my family as I shall be a senior this upcoming school year and then off to college. I actually spent one week away from my family.
I went to a military academy for a week to decide if I would like it for four years. I would, but I feel like it isn’t me. It does not fit me perfectly. During the school years, there are moments when life and responsibilities just surge in on me and I find myself robotic. All I am doing is simply moving my muscles and staring blankly ahead of me, I don’t need direction from my senses. In those moments, I am the epitome of what I have worked for, and yet in those moments I am not really me. It is the after that is the best. The time of reflection is who I am. I do not think I will be allowed a period of reflection for four years at a military academy. This isn’t bad but I want that research question and just any question I have and be allowed to simply think. That’s what universities have always meant to me and I want it more and more I think.
Strange that the academy has been my dream since sixth grade.
Yet, I don’t think I should be bogged down by old desires and dreams. Dreams come and go and everyone has a choice for which one they follow.
It gets hard though but everyone has a hard journey they are undergoing silently and by themselves. It’s funny, simple things people do to me hinder my journey yet I believe they are done without malicious. With that in mind, I hope I do not do anything bad to people and their adventures - paths - whatever they are.
I’ve always been someone who needed to hero to cling to. I liked having role models and learning from people. That was, no…is, the very best part of my day. The parts of my day where I was a follower were the best yet I always fashioned myself to one day be a leader. One day, hopefully I will be. Before I die, I hope people can say, she lead them somewhere. I hope that somewhere is of course, a good and successful one but I digress.
Often times, I question myself. I find myself milling around when the better person would have taken charge. Sometimes, I just can’t find the will and other times, I don’t think it’s important. In my experiences, I learned that most of the time you have to pick your battles. Of course, I could be terribly wrong. I only know a few things about life. In fact, for all I know, I know nothing at all.
Sometimes, I get tired of watching things. Clamor and noise happens and it just makes me sad. It isn’t even loud noises or overpowering noises, just sad ones. I think transportation noises are saddest. The sound of leaving and coming. Trains down a track, subway winds passing by, and airplanes landing - they’re peculiar.
Did you know, this will probably be my last year ever getting to perform.
Funny how a lot of this season depends on certain pieces to fall in place but I am not really making much of an effort.
Actually, that’s a lie.
It’ll just be end of marching band I think. Notice I made no mention of the end of indoor percussion. Perhaps the end of this group, but there exists other opportunities. Maybe, better ones. I wouldn’t have really been able to fathom myself being in some clubs and such that I am in now. So, I don’t think the end, or leaving, is terribly sad. At least, currently.
I feel like I’m reverting into a person I was five years ago. I loved that person but I always thought I had grown into someone else. Not bad and not good, I had just changed with time, now as time passes I feel myself becoming that middle school student I once was. Seventh and eighth grade were my favorite years. So, maybe it is good.
I’ve never been a fan of going backwards though and I’ll sure I’ll regret writing this in a couple of days.
The more you look, the less you see…I suppose.
