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SPORTSMENSHIP
Maybe I'm lacking it, not them...

I just think you need to taste defeat to know what victory means.

To know that maybe, it's not about winning but competing.

Maybe, I should just hope they succeed because who am I to know what they paid in?

Sacrifice, blood, sweat, tears, agony.











Don't guess what I'm talking about because I'm being ljslfjmeaniefacesdlkfjsdkfljsd right now.

not good not good not good

Imma ESPLODE.

FURY

There I was, standing behind the metal bleachers on a football field in Pheonix. A large purple storage shed was inbetween these bleachers and I. The twilight sun was setting and I was doing my normal post 3200m death routine - sneezing my brain out and convulsing for air.

This irritating shed thing was holding me up. Mostly, I get irritated at everything after I run and then what was written on it kept grating at me: PAY THE PRICE.

I was irritated because I don't like quotes on things. I like it in your brain but I don't like quotes painted on things. I blame my coach for this weird pet peeve that recently developed.

Inbetween my sneezes, I would read it over and over again and get more and more irritated. A bystander may have thought I was a crazy muffin.

I was irritated because I didn't understand.

I do now.

You have priorities in life and there is only so many things one person can do. Sure, you can push the envelope but then something else has to give as you put all your resources into one thing. I guess it is kind of like the concept of economics in that respect.

That stupid purple metal box hours away from home may have been painted to mean to try harder in practice.

Something along those lines.

I choose to take it literally.

When I run, I give up carbs.
When I do homework, I give up friends.
When I do marching band, I give up everything else.

Ect ect. and one isn't nessacarily better than the other.

You just pay in fiat money I suppose.

and what the heck do I want to spend the most on these days?

I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.

But I can only sleep if my grades are good.

FURY.






This is me being dumb.

Why I Like Jr. Year

I found this on my facebook notes application thing. It was under my drafts. I've written so much on that website that I never published but I read this and it helped me overcome some burnt out feelings I've been having.

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When I think about high school, I find I always think about frosh year. It was just so different. In middle school, we were fighting for the chance not to have to walk in lines. High school meant free range and no one was going to hold my hand. I always find myself acting much older when I look back, too.

"I remember, once, my freshmen year..."

I'm not old, that's the thing. Maybe I'm talking a bit too early but I feel like this year is going to be incredible. It's not because anything got any better or that things have changed much here in this town. It's just that...finally everything is how it was.

I really don't know where I'm going with this and that is absolutely wonderous. I don't know if anyone who ends up reading this knows, but my frosh year I had a myspace and I enjoyed blogging on it. But the thing is, my frosh blog...was incredibly random. At least, what I remember. My brain just wanting to explode because it couldn't get all its ideas and passion out at once. So, I would ramble.

and ramble and ramble. It had no direction.

Mostly, it was about running and marching band. These are the two things that have defined me since the first day of school. Joining cross country was a bit random on my part, I actually have no idea why I joined but I'm glad I did! I think a part of me had already given up on basketball or maybe I just thought running was a cool sport. Yes, that's it! I always thought the girls in track and field looked like they were having a lot of fun so I joined cross country to become a better runner by the time track came along. I had always wanted to join marching band though. Even if it's such a weird thing to do if you think about it; Making shapes on football fields holding up shiny things.

These couple days of junior year have been great. Sophomore year was alright. It wasn't made of awesome though. Sophomore year felt really restrictive, not in the middle school way but in a quieter way. It was just very grey. I didn't hate it but grey gets boring after awhile. I didn't have much passion. I, unfortunetly, thrive on passion and inspiration. There was no inspiration but the poster that covered the windows in math class.

I probably just had some teenage angst going on, but whateva whateva.

This year feels like how freshmen year and sophomore year was supposed to be. All massed up into one.

This year I'm a drum major. Basically, I'm the person that waves my hands around.

It's so much more than that, though. I'd like to say I've got some leadership experience under my belt but what does that really mean? I could probably talk about what it means to be a leader for a long time. Days. But out of everything I've collected from my life, I've learned the most from being a drum major. More than half I've only learned since July.

Also, I would like to take this moment to say that a leader isn't about the limelight. It's not about getting to stand on a podium nor is it about being able to say you did lead. If that's all someone is in it for, then they never did lead.

Whatever it takes to be a leader though, I'm still working on it and I like it.

What is the best part is getting to know a lot of people a lot more closer then I think I get to if I just play brass.

But a less explainable reason why I like it is I do get to stand in the front. It's not for feeling in charge or thinking people are watching me, no not at all. I feel the music. Instead of the physical and mental task of the drill and music on the turf, it's glorious to feel music.

No, I'm not on anything! ahaha.

I've always know that percussion for example, makes vibrations. But do you know how physically thick it actually feels like intermingled with brass and woodwinds. It's like butter...but much less greasy. When I wave my hands around, it feels like magic. One of these days I just want to go to a brass or percussion sectional and just stand on a ladder with my hands raised above my head. Of course, people would ask what I'm doing...that could get complicated to explain. I don't think people would believe it if I told them I was doing drum major yoga..darn.

I equate this joy of something ridiculous like this to passion. It's like touching inspiration. I don't know, maybe it would make more sense to compare the feeling of the music to the same feeling that really nice minor chords giving you shivers. Percussion and brass vibration is, instead of goosebumbs, a warm blanket.

Yesterday, I watched five hours of DCI (Marching Music's Major League). That was pretty intense. I enjoyed the music and of course all the marching was impressive! DCI is very innovative. I don't know why, I've just always loved it. I saw DCI the summer before my frosh year. The Academy were the first preformers - they made me say WOW out loud. I've never been that impressed before. They started off the show with an immediate crisp and loud sound. Later in the show were bands like Santa Clara and Blue Devils. Both those bands won all the captions, of course! I remember people teaching me everything about marching band and it so crazy to see the differences between bands. Even how crisp turns were made was a way to figure out how a band compared to another.

But that's not all I thought about yesterday - I thought about people who I love.

Extracurriculars are hard. You spend time doing them and as far as band goes - I spend more time with them in marching season then I do with my family. Band is my family sometimes.

Where am I going with this?

I don't know but everytime I see the football field, my heart swells.
July 15, 2007 - Sunday Excited for upcoming season.

I can honestly say that I have never been so excited about a season than this one!! The members are all great, and the brass section is so dedicated. A huge improvement from the past years and I hope something special happens for these kids because they deserve it.

- Eat it up.

If You Leave, I Hope You Need to Come Back

Just a quick description of the past few days.

Wow, life has been so busy.

It hasn’t really been horrible but it has just been action packed. Most recently, on Friday I went to a large invitational for track that was about two hours away from our school. My event, the 3200m, was the first to happen. I was supposed to run a 13:50 but unfortunately, I ran a 14:14. My PR is a 13:51. Oh well! It was super hot too. So, I spent the next 10 hours drifting in and out of consciousness.

I don’t really know the varsity team. I mean, I am varsity. Or, my uniform is and they let me go to invitational and whatever but during practice I just finish the workout and go on my merry way. I sort of got to know the people this time around.

I was worried that maybe things were going to be different in the future but I think if anything is going to be different, it is because it is going to be better.

On another note, I am most definitely not a fan of grass. At 9PM the school we were at decided to water the grass and my goodness, I could not stop sneezing and was grumpy for the rest of the night. Sneezing takes a lot out of me.

The next morning was a middle school track meet my high school likes to put on. It went pretty smoothly, unlike last time! Bianca and I tried to find shade while doing homework.

After we had an adventure out and about in town, I went with some of the senior cymbal players to see a performance down at the university. My friend Kyle was there as well, he is thinking about trying out for cymbals as well, so that’s exciting.

I saw Erika! She is pretty cool beans and I love talking to her.

Can’t think of much else besides all nighters and running out of energy drinks.

This Monday I’ll be taking a tour of the university just to see.

I'd Much Rather Sing to You

I think people spend most of their time looking for something that means anything. They want to find the perfect moment and then live in it forever. That’s why, at least in high school, people go crazy about relationships whether it is the drama, the flirting, or the day dreaming.

I think I once found a perfect moment and when I think about it, I smile.

I was a freshmen and was at, of all things, an indoor brass performance sitting on the mat before we took the basketball court to play our show. Everyone was so relaxed and joking with each other. It was just so comfortable.

Then, the color guard group before us, started to dance. It was my favorite type of choreography, as far as what I could come up with anyway. They threw rifles at least five feet and sabers twice that height. What was the show they were performing you ask? Anberlin’s, The Unwinding Cable Car.

That was the first time I heard that song and I fell in love with it. I didn’t even know who Anberlin was, let alone if they were Christian or not. I just liked the song.

It reminded me of feeling happy and it reminded me of a friend. No, it reminds me of friends.

Sometimes, friendships fall apart and that is life. It’s only sad if you tried your hardest and yet seem to be getting nothing in return on the other side. I have to tell you though, I’ve never heard of a friendship failing if one person is doing all they can do.

But time is the meanest adversary.

I was blessed to be able to talk to one of my good friends from last year. She graduated from high school when I became a junior but we used to do everything together at school. This year has been different for me and it sounds like it has been different for her, too.

I hate it when I ‘can’t find time’ to send out a letter or I am too afraid to send an instant message to someone on AIM.

Small things like that.

It should also be interesting to note that I do not relate myself to the Unwinding Cable Car, only other people.

Good People

I don't believe in bad people.

Sure, you may not get along with certain folks but in general, they are good people. Their personality makes them someone else's best friend and I would hate to not have a best friend - Or at least good friends.

I don't think everyone has a best friend, unfortunately. But someone has made them smile and that is worth a lot.

People can steal and kill and hurt others but how are we to know their reasoning?

I'm not saying it is a good thing. I'm just saying it exists and they shouldn't be condemned forever. Actions do speak loud though.

I was watching a few videos where these people would go to a major city - New York, New Orleans, ect - and they would ask people on the street questions. All these people were unique: a sorority girl, a homeless man with no teeth, a housewife from Russia. It was quite interesting and they all earnestly yearned for something more - and if they didn't, there was still something deep with in. Something screamed, now that's a good person.

Or at least, a person is a good thing.

Where do you wish to wake up tomorrow?
What do you want to happen by the end of the day?
What is your deepest secret?

I don't think I would ever say those answers to a camera.

I wrote this is two sittings and now, I don't even know where I was going with.

Maybe, I just love my friends.

Candles

In general, when I think about myself, I think of a candle. In fact, to make this metaphor easier lets just say all people are candles. Looking up from above, we would be a reflection of the night sky on water. Some of us are brighter, some of us are not as bright but still visible.

You aren't forever stuck in one intensity of light. You flicker, like a candle, sometimes it is dull while sometimes the flame is massive. Wind comes and you've got to do something to protect it. Sometimes, you may look at your candle and see the black wick with a orange spark lingering on the tip. If you blow gently, it may relight.

I have a few flaws with this analogy. One of which is I've never imagined mine or anyone else's flame going out, it's always there. Sometimes, the wax gets precariously low, but then the next day the candle looks brand new. The candles are never consistent and I would like to venture forth and say, in general, life is consistent.

Also, I never factored in that someone else can help light your candle for you.

This is the way I am always picturing people and the stress levels in my life. When times get tough, I see myself crouched beneath a tea leaf as wind gushes around me and my hand is cupped around the flame and rain is pouring.

I started thinking like this when my counselor told me I would burn out as a freshmen. It made me sad as I had never heard such terminology. All I could think about was wax dripping.

But anyway, that was more or less a tangent.

I think it takes more than yourself to protect your flame. You need friends to help you! Also, flames do go out. That's okay though because when you walk in the darkness, it is never pitch black because the light from the other stars are always shining.