Day 3 What Drives Your Life

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I was confused by today's entry because I feel like you can live a purpose driven life without God.

Yes, religion brings about hope but so do family and friends and life.

I think, when you find the reason to get out of bed in the morning, you can start being happy. Once you are happy, you can finally relax and start adding the little tidbits to life such as church service or community service.

Work for someone other than yourself and you will find a reason to live.

Day 2 You Are Not an Accident

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Okay, so here I am: Reading about God.

From MOST Christian literature I have noticed that many insist that God has planned out my life. He sat down and said, here is Anne. She will be born to these parents in this country and meet these people. Honestly, I find that kind of sad. So, does that mean my hard work was predetermined? That horrible people were predetermined. I definitely either am too ignorant to understand or simply do not believe.

Here's the thing - we have free will.

This I am sure of. No, I don't mean we get to choose what we eat for dinner or what color to paint your nails. That's decision making but it is not what free will is. Free will, to me, is deciding when to work and how hard and where to go and for how long. I honestly probably cannot explain it in its full depth until something takes it away from me since it is in so many aspects in our life. That's what I think the exciting part of life is. Would God plan our every aspect and know we would be lead astray?

No.

You decide and that's why God loves you so much. You decided to let him into your life.

What's the point of living if everything was planned out.

Rick Warren might disagree with me but my life experience has taught me not to trust everything I have read. Not to disrespect The Purpose Driven Life, but literature, be it the Bible or books to increase faith are not meant to be followed word for word - and again, I would have people disagree with me. It is an inspiration.

1 Peter 3:1-3
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

This says that women should not wear gold or make themselves look attractive.

Perhaps, instead of not wearing gold it is merely a reminder to tone down the vanity.

All these complicated translations make me weary but it all comes back to God, is my understanding. Are you living to improve your relationship with him?

The argument could be that you can have premarital sex if you don't think that will affect your relationship with Him. Personally, I find it hard to believe that God would send sinners to Hell for things like that.

But of course, I don't know and don't think adultery would improve any religious life I may have so thus, I don't do it but it is not my place to judge those that do.

Get it?

Day 1 It All Starts With God

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While, I have heard it often, I don't exactly know what it means. I think it is because I am too ignorant so correct me if I am wrong (or explain it): Religion, Christianity specifically, is a way to understand that the world does not center around you. It isn't about you. It's about serving a higher purpose.

A couple years ago I was talking to a good friend of mine about religion and was trying to understand. I was citing science experiments and he was citing the bible. I was getting frustrated because lets say I believed in God and was one of his strongest believers - I think that citing the bible would be the weakest argument one could use with a 'nonbeliever'. You are essentially trying to convince them with a source they do not believe to be reputable.

While this discussion ensued, I kept trying to explain this to him, and by doing so I used many 'I' statements.

I don't find the bible to be a valid source.
Why are you saying that.
How did you come to that conclusion.
How can I think like that.

He on the other hand made statements that were broader in context.

Christians believe in the bible.
The Church came to this conclusion.
Gods wants his people to be saved.

It was quickly pointed out to me that I couldn't understand religion until I could understand that it wasn't about myself.

I was confused.

To me, religion is a very personal journey and thus, very much so worthy of statements concerned about myself.

I do not think I can get over this but I think I understand the basic structure of what he and many others were trying to tell me.

It's about the community.

Which is true.

The community and others always comes first.

Often times, I find it rather amusing that the two service groups I am a part of, National Honor Society and Kiwanis Key Club, make reference to serving God and country. I might have to double check about NHS but this is the Key Club motto:

I pledge on my honor to uphold the objects of Key Club International;
to build my home, school, and community;
to serve my nation and God and to combat all forces
which tend to undermine these institutions.

So, I currently believe that 'I' is very much a part of religion but here's the thing, once you start sacrificing, you can build your community.

He may have a plan but He also gave us free will. This I am sure of.

The Purpose Driven Life

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Today is the first day of Lent. While I do not attend church, I find the period to be really interesting and I like the basis of it and according to the article, it really varies from person to person anyway.

Last year for Lent, I abstained from Facebook for 40 days. The small test was further increased by my friend who posted on my wall for 40 days - needless to say, the joy of lent was shared by everyone who made their way to the news feed.

I think for the most part, that was a pretty decent Lent practice! I was a little behind in the socializing news, but that's okay because I really need to stop obsessing over other people's lives, and I finished a lot more homework. I could do it again this year, but thanks to my New Year's Resolution (which I am still going strong at) I am consistently ahead in the world of homework.

This year, I want to go on a more 40 day religious journey. Not to be religious per say, but just to have an excuse to have time for it. Almost like meditation with a computer - I'll try and blog every day.

On the whole idea of Lent:
To me, Lent prepares you for Easter. While giving up something silly like junk food or social networking, it still is the symbolism. You're consciously aware of your religion, even in this superficial manner, for 40 days. For 40 days, you have to explain to others why and what you're doing and it allows you to count down the days until Easter. By cleansing oneself, perhaps through fasting, it is a symbol of what the goal is to be - free of sin. Perhaps, a reminder to confess and repent.

While some may disagree with me 100 percent, this is the gist I have right now. Like I said, I don't go to church and I certainly don't have a degree in religious or Christian studies, I would like to make this very clear now.

My understanding of Christianity, though very limited, is that everything is done to further one's relationship with God and Jesus Christ. While not required or viewed as an appropriate religious practice by some groups of Christians, my personal opinion is that Lent is a form of making that relationship a little deeper.

My relationship with God is really poor I would say because well, I don't know how often I believe in him but I really think my case is unique. Which is true for everyone: Everyone's relationship with God and Jesus Christ is unique.

I just think religion is incredibly beautiful. Perhaps that is a little to Elizabeth Gilbert of me.

I promised my grandfather I would do this a long time ago so, here we go:
The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

I will be contemplating religion with this book and everything else for the next 40 days.

That is going to be my Lent 2011. I think blogging is the best way to do it because that is who I am. It is what works for me.

DOOOD.

I talked to a friend I used to know from indoor percussion tonight.
She used to live in New England.
Told me about indoor percussion line that is only 45 minutes away from college I'll probably going to.
THEY HAVE TRAINS FROM GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL TO STAMFORD ALL. THE. TIME.
Only 4.50 for round trip.

I'm dying.
FROM HAPPY.

On Being Sorta Smart, Decently Pretty, and Really Really Awkward

Inspired by a blog that inspires me daily, or whenever I remember to look at it: http://smartprettyandawkward.com.

However you would like to measure 'smart':
Believe it or not, my senior year is probably the easiest year of my high school career and I would have to say my frosh year was one of my hardest. That being said I feel like starting something new really messes with you for a lack of a more eloquent way to express myself - it sucks. For example, I had a week long internship, also know as a Senior Exit Project to those that are in my school district, that left me so physically and mentally tired. I would come home from selling musical instruments (why yes, my SEP was music retail...) and fall face down onto my bed. It wasn't even a hard job! I stood around and convinced people I knew all about string instruments and yes, that tape is necessary for playing the drums (it isn't). Being constantly alert really got my heart rate up and kept me on my toes.

On that note, I kind of enjoy that really intense feeling of trying hard.

It only lasts a short while before it starts to fade away. In Fusion, a drumline I am in, I feel myself trying a little bit less which is a shame. I am starting to become complacent but before I always felt like I needed to be constantly practicing. Now, I'm starting to plateau which is really scary because I am still not close to perfect. I only say this because I finally found some motivation to get off my bum and start working on music and other aspects of my life a little bit more now. This is good.

If I could just keep inspiration alive for more that a little bit I might actually have a way more productive life.

Which is why I find it nice to say I've been able to go to bed at a decent hour these days which is really exciting for both me and my health. I figure if I am not in the homework mood I am just not going to get anything done so I need to either a. go to sleep or b. get in the homework mood. Going to sleep of course means waking up early and actually making good on my promise to wake up early which is much harder than it seems. So far, so good. Of course I do have incentive lately. If my grades slip, I loose privileges such as getting to be on Fusion for example or hanging out with friends. Also, bad grades means more stress when it comes to finals time.

When it comes to being smart, it is much more than a test score but instead, I think smart is really a life decision. You can be the smartest person in the world with the worst grades as everyone knows, and I think that's pretty stupid. Of course, it's pretty stupid doing something you don't like so what is smart? Doing something that makes you happy! In my case, I enjoy being organized and productive so I can achieve things outside of the classroom such as half marathons and vibraphone skills.

Why I don't wear makeup:
Honestly, I have gotten totally lazy about the way I look. I think that is also a contribution to me being stressed but honestly, I am not doing too bad, in my opinion. Usually, if I know I am going to have a stressful day I dress really really pretty. I wear a favorite skirt and a fluffy shirt and wear my 'date night' perfume - the whole nine yards. I figure that way, I at least don't have to worry about my appearance and thus have a little confidence.

But two weeks ago my acne prescription ran out and my skin isn't that bad. It's not perfect and maybe by next week I will look horrible but I think perhaps I would like to try over the counter brands instead of prescription and see what happens - save some money. Also, I've been wearing less makeup which is good news for my skin I'm sure. It isn't like I used lots of makeup before. I only used a bronzer and this thing called a cover stick (??) so I would look less tired. I'm getting more sleep so that seemed unnecessary. We shall see. The makeup brand I use went bankrupt so now I feel like I have the whole market opened up to me but when I opened this book about teenage beauty I saw the 'essentials' page.

It made me really sad!

It had perhaps 20 items that were needed for daily wear. Perhaps that is the norm but... I really hope not. Most of my friends need half of what they wear, if any, and the other half refuses to let me see them without makeup so I couldn't tell you truthfully.

I could go on a large rant about how horrible media and the makeup industry is, but I won't especially since I kind of like putting on the limited makeup I use and find the packaging really fun to have in my bathroom.

I just think people should cut down - it's better for your skin anyway.

Also, experiment! Which is what I hope to start doing. You don't want to be wearing exactly what you wore freshmen year of high school to your last day of your senior year in college because people and bodies change and a little refreshing change is nice to keep you perky. That is my opinion at least and obviously I am not a beauty expert.

Perhaps, I'll keep you updated on this one.

It also is good to note that I am soon to become financially independent and must adjust to this by cutting back or simply switching and honestly I hate visiting the doctor for more acne medication. It's a pain.

We all would really like to not feel awkward:
So, back when MySpace was cool... it was really fun decorating my profile with fancy images and glittering whatevers. One of my favorite ways to bling up my page was with icons/avatars. These little 100 x 100 photos could really tell my life story! One that was fairly popular to post within my group of friends from school said: I'm the type of girl that laughs at things that happened yesterday.

I never posted this because everyone else posted it. I couldn't be like everyone else, obviously. So, I just secretly agreed with it and felt proud to be cute in the way that this icon was cute. I also had this vague turmoil brewing at the back of my mind - none of these girls laughed at in the middle of silence. In fact, they often told me how uncomfortable silence was to them. At the time, I had never experienced an awkward silence before.

The moral of my story is - it's really cool these days to be nerdy or awkward as one would say such as laughing randomly about something you are thinking about or wearing glasses and being shy but when it comes down to it - it's only romanticized.

It really confuses me.

But back to the whole awkward silence thing.

I think I've only had an awkward silence feel awkward once. A lot of people suddenly burst out, "THIS IS SO AWKWARD!" Well, it wasn't until you said something. Most silences are quite comfortable to me and if they aren't - it's best to say nothing because they are what they are. If you don't make it awkward then it isn't awkward. Situations are only labeled as such because the general consensus was that it was awkward - well what if the general consensus was that it was peaceful or nice or content or happy? Keep that in mind. I try to.

Also, anyone who has known me for more than a month knows I occasionally break out into random laughter. I like to use this opportunity to make the people around me laugh as well because I like stories and if I can bring them to the moment I just thought of, I have just won points on my meter of socializing. It's a way to practice writing and blogging verbally. Maybe, I'm just that nerdy.

I want to be 'the hilarious one' but I most certainly wouldn't mind being known as the 'smart, pretty, and only a little awkward one'.



You know what's awkward? The music video for Firework by Katy Perry. There are sparks coming out of what?!?!!

Look, I just made this really uncomfortable.

John Updike Would Say

I am happy, not all consuming happy that makes me want to jump for joy, but normal happy - content.

I have lots of things to look forward to and lots of things to work on.

What else is there to keep a mind busy?

Actually, have this week passes I think I'll have a lot of school projects done and music memorized and perfected.

Then, I'll have to find more things to work on, or different things.

Oh wait, I signed up to run a half marathon in March :D! Then I need to not be the weakest link on Fusion, I don't know if I am, but I don't want to be 'that guy' and it is still a lot of fun and I like the added pressure for some pain loving reason.

Annnndd we now have rehearsals on a few Thursdays to prepare for DISNEYLAND.